Dave’s Joke Tree

Hi there!
Here’s another one from Don Yankovic….Enjoy…Dave

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can
see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the
dining room skylight.”

Hello out there!

Well, the September Fun-Shop is now only a memory. I spent yesterday relaxing and unwinding, so today figured it was time to put another branch on my joke tree. (This one is from Shirley in Los Angeles. Thanks Shirley).

PS: The OTCC webpage has the new dates for May 1998, and soon will have a page of archived joke tree branches! Enjoy…Dave
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.” As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.” The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week”.

Another “Toilet Tale”, Enjoy….Dave

From a Florida newspaper, forwarded by a friend:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels into the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard that one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

Just to brighten your daze!!! Here’s a funny from my friend Don Yankovic… Enjoy…Dave

DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It’s an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

In 1996 the winner was an airforce sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles– one of the
few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately,
poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he
had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated
the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was
still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-
pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun — figuring he could pop a
few balloons when it was time to descend — and went back to the
floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and
provisions. Larry’s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about
30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few
hours come back down.

Things didn’t quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn’t
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon.

He didn’t level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet.
After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that
height he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he
unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed
there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of
Los Angeles International Airport.

A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed
the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot
pursuit.

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in
for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away
whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed
by the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting
members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larrry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, “A man can’t just sit around.”

Let’s hear it for Larry Walters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner!