Dave’s Joke Tree

And here’s another one from my friend Don……Enjoy…Dave…..

The Toilet Police

BY DAVE BARRY

If you call yourself an American, you need to know about a crucial issue that is now confronting the U.S. Congress (motto: “Remaining Firmly In Office Since 1798”). This is an issue that affects every American, regardless of race or gender or religion or briefs or boxers; this is an issue that is fundamental to the whole entire Cherished American Way of Life.

This issue is toilets.

I’m talking about the toilets now being manufactured for home use. They stink.

Literally. You have to flush them two or three times to get the job done. It has become very embarrassing to be a guest at a party in a newer home, because if you need to use the toilet, you then have to lurk in the bathroom for what seems (to you) like several presidential administrations, flushing, checking, waiting, flushing, checking, while the other guests are whispering: “What is (your name) DOING in there? The laundry?”

I know this because I live in a home with three new toilets, and I estimate that I spend 23 percent of my waking hours flushing them. This is going on all over America, and it’s causing a serious loss in national productivity that could really hurt us as we try to compete in the global economy against nations such as Japan, where top commode scientists are developing super-efficient, totally automated household models so high-tech that they make the Space Shuttle look like a doorstop.

The weird thing is, the old American toilets flushed just fine. So why did we change? What force would cause an entire nation to do something so stupid? Here’s a hint: It’s the same force that from time to time gets a bee in its gigantic federal bonnet and decides to spend millions of dollars on some scheme to convert us all to the metric system, or give us all Swine Flu shots, or outlaw tricycles, or whatever. You guessed it! Our government!

What happened was, in 1992, Congress passed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act, which declared that, to save water, all U.S. consumer toilets would henceforth use 1.6 gallons of water per flush. That is WAY less water than was used by the older 3.5-gallon models –

the toilets that made this nation great; the toilets that our Founding Fathers fought and died for — which are now prohibited for new installations.

The public was not consulted about the toilet change, of course; the public has to go to work, so it never gets consulted about anything going on in Washington. But it’s the public that has been stuck with these new toilets, which are saving water by requiring everybody to flush them enough times to drain Lake Erie on an hourly basis. The new toilets are so bad that there is now — I am not making this up — a black market in 3.5-gallon toilets. People are sneaking them into new homes, despite the fact that the Energy Policy and Conservation Act provides for — I am not making this up, either - - - a $2,500 fine for procuring and installing an illegal toilet.

I checked this out with my local plumber, who told me that people are always asking him for 3.5-gallon toilets, but he refuses to provide them, because of the law. The irony is that I live in Miami; you can buy drugs here simply by opening your front door and yelling: “Hey! I need some crack!”

Here’s another irony: The federal toilet law is administered by the U.S. Department of Energy. According to a Washington Post article sent in by many alert readers, the DOE recently had to close several men’s rooms in the Forrestall Building because — I am STILL not making this up — overpressurized air in the plumbing lines was causing urinals to explode. That’s correct: These people are operating the Urinals of Death, and they’re threatening to fine us if we procure working toilets.

The public — and this is why I love this nation — is not taking this sitting down. There has been a grass-roots campaign, led by commode activists, to change the toilet law, and a bill that would do that (H.R. 859 — The Plumbing Standards Act) has been introduced in Congress by Rep. Joe Knollenberg of Michigan. I talked to Rep. Knollenberg’s press secretary, Frank Maisano, who told me that the public response has been very positive. But the bill has two strikes against it:

1. It makes sense.

2. People want it.

These are huge liabilities in Washington. The toilet bill will probably face lengthy hearings and organized opposition from paid lobbyists; for all we know it will get linked to Whitewater and wind up being investigated by up to four special prosecutors. So it may not be passed in your lifetime. But I urge you to do what you can.

Write to your congresshumans, and tell them you support Rep. Knollenberg’s bill. While you’re at it, tell them you’d like to see a constitutional amendment stating that if any federal agency has so much spare time that it’s regulating toilets, that agency will immediately be eliminated, and its buildings will be used for some activity that has some measurable public benefit, such as laser tag.

So come on, America! This is your chance to make a difference! Stand up to these morons! Join the movement! Speaking of which, I have to go flush.

Everyone wants some recognition…Here’s a funny from my friend Marlene in San Diego… Enjoy, Dave…

George Goldberg is elected as the first Jewish President of the USA.

He calls his mother to come to the inauguration.

“How will I get from Chicago to Washington?”

“Mom, I’m President, I will send a plane for you.”

“How will I get to the airport?”

“Mom, I’m President I will send a limousine.”

“Where will I stay?”

“You will stay in the White House with me.”

She agrees and on the day she is going, the limo pulls up and her neighbor comes over.

“Where are you going?

“To the inauguration.”

“Who is being inaugurated?”

“You know my son Myron, the Doctor,……well it’s his brother.”

Things are getting hairy!!!!, but be of good cheer!!!! Enjoy,,,,drd

“Twas The Night Before Christmas”.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck. How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”. “Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were placed with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh; the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened”.

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, who suddently said she’d enough of this life, joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er a notion that making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets ….they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt; besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; he just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, but you”ve got to be careful with that word today. his sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, each group of people, every religion; every ethnicity, every hue, everyone, everywhere…even you. So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth… “May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Fr ur prsual,

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ’s’ instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard ‘c’ could be replaced by ‘k’ sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of ‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary ‘o’ kould be dropd from words kontaining ‘ou’. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Wait till Clinton sees this!

Enjoy, Dave