Dave’s Joke Tree

Hi Out There,

This was sent to me by a friend in Little Rock….Enjoy…Dave
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR’S PENIS BUSY [should be “Pen Is”]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE’S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI’S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

Hi there,

Here’s a funny to start the week after your Laborious Weekend from Paul’s Wierd Humor……..Enjoy…Dave

ManChul Park poses an intriguing question:

What if condoms had corporate sponsers?

. Nike Condoms: Just do it.

. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

. Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

. Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you
use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

. New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.

. California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?

. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

. Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going …

. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

. Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

. Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

Hi Out There,

What with the focus on the recent election, it is just possible that you may have overlooked this stunning story of the power of the computer revolution.

Enjoy, Dave

IBM Helps Create Global Village

KABINDA, ZAIRE–In a move IBM officers are hailing as a major step in the company’s ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M’wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire’s Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

“I could not crush the nut by myself,” said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. “With IBM’s help, I was able to break it.” Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a “smashing” utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. “Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs,” said Herbert Ross, IBM’s director of marketing. “Whether you’re a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia’s Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today.”

According to Ndeti, of the modem’s many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. “I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem,” Ndeti said. “The modem did not break. It is a good modem.”

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

“This is a good computer,” said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer’s flat, sharp internal processing device. “I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard.” Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer’s 200-page owner’s manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti’s choice of computers. “We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs,” said company CEO William Allaire. “From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village.”

Hi, Here are some excerpts from newspapers that a friend of mine in Virginia sent me. Obviously, there are some obvious things that are missing. Isn’t that obvious? Dave….

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2

‘Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church’s focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29