Dave’s Joke Tree

Hello again,

Lets brighten up Monday morning! Here’s a funny from Pauls Humor…. Enjoy…Dave
From Adriana G.:

The American Way

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a
mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The
consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American team. So, as race day neared again
the following year, the American team’s management structure was
completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for
the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave
the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

WHY I AM SO TIRED????

I’m tired. For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading this.

Relax,,,It’s only a joke????? Enjoy….Dave

Distinctive patterns are everywhere!

Enjoy, Dave

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.

2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.

3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent

alternately east and west.

4. During each traverse pass,

a. Catch each animal seen.

b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.

c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.

If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

(1) compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and

(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.