Dave’s Joke Tree

Hello all,

Here’s another funny from my friend Don in Friday Harbor. Learn how to add color to your communications with these beauts from Texas…Enjoy…Dave

Texas Speak:

Handy as a pocket on a shirt.

Broke as the Ten Commandments.

If his brains were gunpowder he couldn’t blow his nose.

She could talk the legs off a chair.

She said that he’s all cattle and no prod.

He’s all hat and no cattle.

If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

He’s so busy, you’d think he was twins.

He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.

It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.

She’s so ugly she has to sneek up on a glass of water to take a drink.

Confused as a goat on astro-turf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a fly.

Hello All,

Here’s another funny from Shirley in Los Angeles….Enjoy..Dave

BUMPER STICKERS………..

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB
* Mind like a steel trap - rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
* One-word sentences? Eliminate!
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* The passive voice is to be eliminated.
* Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
* Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
* Who needs rhetorical questions?

Hello again,

Here’s one from Marlene in California….Now I understand?..Enjoy Dave.

A woman was walking along the beach and found a bottle. She looked
around and didn’t see anyone so she opened it. A genie appeared and
thanked her for letting him out. The genie said, “I am so grateful to
get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But, I can only
grant one.”

The woman thought for a while and finally said, “I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because I cannot
fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all
that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to
be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the
piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go
to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No,
that is just too much to ask.”

The woman thought for a few minutes and then told the genie,
“There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand men. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically,
what makes them tick.”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want
two lanes or four?”

Hi there!
Here’s another one from Don Yankovic….Enjoy…Dave

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can
see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the
dining room skylight.”

Hi out there,

Here are some suggestions forwarded to me from Jim out on the wet
east coast. These will get your friends attention…..Enjoy…Dave.

Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant
effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

“Hi. Now you say something.”

“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

“Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’

“This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think
about returning your call.”

“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

Hello out there!

Well, the September Fun-Shop is now only a memory. I spent yesterday relaxing and unwinding, so today figured it was time to put another branch on my joke tree. (This one is from Shirley in Los Angeles. Thanks Shirley).

PS: The OTCC webpage has the new dates for May 1998, and soon will have a page of archived joke tree branches! Enjoy…Dave
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.” As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.” The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week”.

Hi there, Here’s one from a friend in St. Louis…. And if you have time on your hands, here is a whole new way to spend them…..Enjoy….Dave

Ok, the story behind this is… There’s this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway… here’s a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man who sent the Institute one of his ‘major finds’.

Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211 D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9 mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

Hello Out There,

Here are a couple of things that might put a smile on your face.

“It’s better to have loved a short person and lost, than never to have loved a tall”.

Or, if you are from Texas, ponder this…..

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

Here is a “quote” that was included in a list that I monitor. Just too good to not “share” with all of you…Enjoy…Dave

— begin quote —

There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.

Georges Pompidou 1911-1974

— end quote —