Dave’s Joke Tree

Hello all,

It seems only fair to present the other half of the communication conundrum with regards to the sexes. So thanks to Jim Smith, here it is…Enjoy…Dave

TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MALE MEANS!!

A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men…

* Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life
span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We’re not jerks, just misunderstood.

* Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.

* Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

* Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.

* Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much
of the world nowadays.

* Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some
extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot,
we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I
try to figure out how I feel.

* Why can’t men cuddle more?

Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure
lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go
roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on
our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

* How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, lions,
etc.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.

* Why can’t men just say “I love you?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own
character faults.

* Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
quite well.

* What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I’m sorry; I wasn’t listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

* Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.

* Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you’ll pick it up.

* What’s with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let
you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.

* Why do men hate shopping?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours
to look at things we have no intention of killing? err… Buying?

* Why can’t men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it’s actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.

Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You’re the ones that
have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

* Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
and doing exciting things. They don’t walk around with the weight of
the world on their shoulders. They don’t ever give us a hard time for
being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the
ones they don’t get). What more could any male ask for?

* Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle for it.

* Why can’t men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?

We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
Why do men fear commitment?)

* Why do men fear commitment?

Don’t be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what ‘commitment’
means and can spell it correctly. It’s like an automobile. No matter
how good you think this year’s model is, they’re always coming out
with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply
cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse
around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon?
At least with a car, there’s a slight chance of it eventually
becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and
upgrade to the younger… err… I mean newer models every couple of
years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

* What does it mean when men say, “I’m just not ready for a
relationship right now” or “I don’t want a girl friend?”

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
that we want to see you repeatedly.

* What does it mean when men say, “Can we just be friends?”

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

* Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It’s been passed on from
our most primal forefathers, and it’ll be passed on to our sons.

* Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition,
and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate
motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice… Practice…Practice… (See
also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men
are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
people are always going to be left out. I don’t see anyone screaming
about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

* Why do men like younger women?

Well, let’s see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they’re
easily impressed, they’re also perky, energetic, and come with very
little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

* Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We
may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of
lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get
hungry quite often.

* How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e.
whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that
you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you
lose a few attractiveness points. I’m a bit puzzled by this one
myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent
bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us
despite our inherent weakness.

* Why are men such dogs?

How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful… loyal…
affectionate… and obedient… You owe dogs an apology!

Hi out there!

Just couldn’t resist this one! It’s hell to not be understood!..Enjoy..Dave

THE WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS…

“I’m hungry.” = “I’m hungry.”

“I’m sleepy.” = “I’m sleepy.”

“I’m tired.” = “I’m tired.”

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I call you sometime?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“May I have this dance?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Nice dress!” = “Nice cleavage!”

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = “I want to fondle you.”

“What’s wrong?” = “What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”

“What’s wrong?” = “I guess sex tonight is out of the question.”

“I’m bored.” = “Do you want to have sex?”

“I love you.” = “Let’s have sex now.”

“I love you, too.” = “Okay, I said it … we’d better have sex now!”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “I liked it better before.”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”

“Let’s talk.” = “I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.”

“Will you marry me?” = “I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.”

“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together.” = “I am gay.”

Hi there,

Here is a funny sent to me by Jim Baun down in Californiay…Enjoy Dave..

BUMPER STICKERS

1. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

2. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

3. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

7. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

9. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

11. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

12. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

13. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

14. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

15. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

16. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

17. Learn from your parents’ mistake - use birth control.

18. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

19. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

20. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

21. Assassins do it from behind.

22. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

23. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

24. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

25. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

26. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

27. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

28. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

29. When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

30. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

31. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

32. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Hi there, here are a number of little thoughts that might improve your perspective.. Enjoy….Dave

1.I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
– A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
~Clifford C. Clavin {Cheers}

3.What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
– Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
(who then get slandered and abused simply because they do what the majority wants.)

4. “Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:

5.With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
– Ransom K. Ferm

6.Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7.Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

8.The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

9.Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
– Dave Barry

10.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown

11.A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
– William James

12.Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
– Andrew Tannenbaum

13.We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again —and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
– Mark Twain

14.There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
– Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

15.If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
– Dave Barry

16.I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers — and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
– Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

17.When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

18.Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats—approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

19. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

20.Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips

21.Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

22.Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
– F. P. Jones

23.Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
– Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

24.As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
– Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney

25.When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
– Quentin Crisp

26.Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
– Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

27.I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
– Monty Python

28.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin

29.Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

30.Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
– John F. Kennedy

31.Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
– Ashleigh Brilliant

32.My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
– Ashleigh Brilliant

33.Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

34. Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

35.Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2.Advising the President.

3.Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
–David Letterman

36.Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”.
Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

37.For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

38.I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
– Charles Barkley

39.My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
– Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”

40.The most important thing in the programming language is the name.

A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
– D. E. Knuth, 1967

41.A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
– In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

42.An Animated Cartoon Theology:

1.People are animals.

2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.

3.Life is antagonistic to the living.

4.The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.

5.The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.

6.The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.

7.We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
– E. L. Doctorow “The Book of Daniel”

43.Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain

44.Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?

45.On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

46.The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
– E. Grebenik

47.Old Yiddish proverb: “If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.”

48.Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
– Old Farmer’s Almanac

49.”If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
– Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

50.The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
– Plutarch

51.Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
– Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

52.The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
– Salvador Dali

53.What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
– Sigmund Freud

54.I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
– Hunter S. Thompson

55.Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
– Mark Twain

56.”Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
– Kermit the Frog

57. Weird is Relative
– Robert Aspirin

58.”Anyone who has ever said “Easier than taking candy from a baby.” has never actually tried taking candy from a baby!
– Robert Aspirin

59.Religion is a great force — the only real motive force in the world, but what you fellows don’t understand is that you must get at a man through his own religion, and not yours.
– George Bernard Shaw “Getting Married” (1908)

60.It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of an indifferent opinion.

61.You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day
–Ambrose Bierce

62. If the professor could make a microwave out of Gilligan’s hat and two coconuts, why couldn’t he fix the @$%!*# boat?!?!!?

Hi out there,

Here is a delightful one forwarded to me from Don Yankovic in Friday Harbor. Enjoy….Dave

It’s all relative in life…

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied,”A million years to me is just like a single second in your time.”

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, ” A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked: “God, could I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, ” Certainly, just a second.”

Hello out there,

Here’s another one from Paul’s Wierd Humor, seems we can find what we look for….Enjoy..Dave

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure that his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure that he was God.

Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was for a drink.

Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His Mother did not know who his Father was.

Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three proofs that Jesus was black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

Three proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

Three proofs that Jesus was a Democrat:
1. He forgave everybody’s sins.
2. He defended prostitutes.
3. He recruited the poor.

Three proofs that Jesus was a Republican:
1. He urged people to pay taxes. (”render unto Caesar…)
2. He walked on water.
3. He caused the Church to become the wealthiest institution in the world.

Three proofs that Jesus was NOT a physician:
1. He made the blind to see.
2. He made the lame to walk.
3. He made the sick be well.

Hello again,

Here’s an installment sent to me by Shirley in Los Angeles…Enjoy..Dave

Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

25. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

35. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget…he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch:”Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Hi There, Here’s another funny from my friend in San Diego…Enjoy…Dave

Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

B’Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let’s play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.

Jehovah’s Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Hello, This was sent to me by a friend on the East coast..Jim….Thanx Jim. He also sent another note that sez this was all a hoax…Hoax or not, there are some clever ideas to appreciate here…..Enjoy…Dave

Kurt Vonnegut’s commencement address at MIT was passed on to me. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought you would too.

It’s short and has a wonderful punch line….

Kurt Vonnegut’s commencement address at MIT.
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

It has been awhile, but have been very busy.

This comes from Dave Thomas, a friend in England. It offers food for thought concerning an eternal question….Enjoy, Dave

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Plato:

For the greater good.

Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.

FBI:

Give us ten minutes alone with the chicken and we will find out

Timothy Leary:

Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:

National Security was at stake.

Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the

chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.

Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:

The Fish.

Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan:

I forget.

Sappho:

Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas’ fine armies.

Joseph Stalin:

I don’t care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.

Captain James T. Kirk:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

De Loitte and Touche Consultant:

Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.