Dave’s Joke Tree

Hello out there!

Well, the September Fun-Shop is now only a memory. I spent yesterday relaxing and unwinding, so today figured it was time to put another branch on my joke tree. (This one is from Shirley in Los Angeles. Thanks Shirley).

PS: The OTCC webpage has the new dates for May 1998, and soon will have a page of archived joke tree branches! Enjoy…Dave
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.” As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.” The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week”.

Hi there, here are a number of little thoughts that might improve your perspective.. Enjoy….Dave

1.I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
– A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
~Clifford C. Clavin {Cheers}

3.What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
– Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
(who then get slandered and abused simply because they do what the majority wants.)

4. “Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:

5.With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
– Ransom K. Ferm

6.Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7.Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

8.The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

9.Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
– Dave Barry

10.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown

11.A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
– William James

12.Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
– Andrew Tannenbaum

13.We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again —and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
– Mark Twain

14.There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
– Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

15.If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
– Dave Barry

16.I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers — and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
– Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

17.When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

18.Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats—approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

19. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

20.Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
– Emo Phillips

21.Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

22.Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
– F. P. Jones

23.Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
– Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

24.As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
– Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney

25.When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
– Quentin Crisp

26.Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
– Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

27.I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
– Monty Python

28.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin

29.Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

30.Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
– John F. Kennedy

31.Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
– Ashleigh Brilliant

32.My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
– Ashleigh Brilliant

33.Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

34. Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

35.Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2.Advising the President.

3.Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
–David Letterman

36.Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”.
Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

37.For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

38.I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
– Charles Barkley

39.My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
– Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”

40.The most important thing in the programming language is the name.

A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
– D. E. Knuth, 1967

41.A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
– In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

42.An Animated Cartoon Theology:

1.People are animals.

2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.

3.Life is antagonistic to the living.

4.The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.

5.The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.

6.The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.

7.We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
– E. L. Doctorow “The Book of Daniel”

43.Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain

44.Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?

45.On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

46.The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
– E. Grebenik

47.Old Yiddish proverb: “If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.”

48.Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
– Old Farmer’s Almanac

49.”If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
– Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

50.The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
– Plutarch

51.Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
– Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

52.The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
– Salvador Dali

53.What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
– Sigmund Freud

54.I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
– Hunter S. Thompson

55.Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
– Mark Twain

56.”Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
– Kermit the Frog

57. Weird is Relative
– Robert Aspirin

58.”Anyone who has ever said “Easier than taking candy from a baby.” has never actually tried taking candy from a baby!
– Robert Aspirin

59.Religion is a great force — the only real motive force in the world, but what you fellows don’t understand is that you must get at a man through his own religion, and not yours.
– George Bernard Shaw “Getting Married” (1908)

60.It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of an indifferent opinion.

61.You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day
–Ambrose Bierce

62. If the professor could make a microwave out of Gilligan’s hat and two coconuts, why couldn’t he fix the @$%!*# boat?!?!!?

Hi out there,

Here is a delightful one forwarded to me from Don Yankovic in Friday Harbor. Enjoy….Dave

It’s all relative in life…

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied,”A million years to me is just like a single second in your time.”

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, ” A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked: “God, could I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, ” Certainly, just a second.”

Hello out there,

Here’s another one from Paul’s Wierd Humor, seems we can find what we look for….Enjoy..Dave

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure that his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure that he was God.

Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was for a drink.

Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His Mother did not know who his Father was.

Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three proofs that Jesus was black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

Three proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

Three proofs that Jesus was a Democrat:
1. He forgave everybody’s sins.
2. He defended prostitutes.
3. He recruited the poor.

Three proofs that Jesus was a Republican:
1. He urged people to pay taxes. (”render unto Caesar…)
2. He walked on water.
3. He caused the Church to become the wealthiest institution in the world.

Three proofs that Jesus was NOT a physician:
1. He made the blind to see.
2. He made the lame to walk.
3. He made the sick be well.

Hi there,

Saw this on the infowar.com site, and thought my friends down south might appreciate it….Enjoy…Dave

How Things Would be Different if Microsoft was Based in South Georgia

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.

3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Awright” o “Naw”.

4. Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be “Dueling Banjos”.

5. The “Recycle Bin” in Winders ‘95 would be an outhouse.

6. Instead of “Start Me Up”, the Winders ‘95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.

7. PowerPoint would be named “ParPawnt”.

8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.

9. New Shutdown WAV: “Y’all come back now, Yah hear”.

10. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”.

11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old TransAm.

12. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.

13. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.

14. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

Hi there,

Here’s a funny to start the week after your Laborious Weekend from Paul’s Wierd Humor……..Enjoy…Dave

ManChul Park poses an intriguing question:

What if condoms had corporate sponsers?

. Nike Condoms: Just do it.

. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

. Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

. Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you
use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

. New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.

. California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?

. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

. Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going …

. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

. Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

. Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

Hi there, I am passing this on from my friend Pat in St.Louis..Enjoy Dave

THESE ARE FROM ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS OF COURT CASES…

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.

Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.

Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

* * * * *

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

* * * * *

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

* * * * *

Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!

* * * * *

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

* * * * *

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

* * * * *

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

* * * * *

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

* * * * *

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

* * * * *

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

* * * * *

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

* * * * *

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

* * * * *

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

* * * * *

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.

* * * * *

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

* * * * *

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

* * * * *

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

* * * * *

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.

Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

* * * * *

Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

* * * * *

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.

Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

* * * * *

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

* * * * *

Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

* * * * *

Q: …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

* * * * *

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

* * * * *

Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

*******

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know

Hello again,

Here’s an installment sent to me by Shirley in Los Angeles…Enjoy..Dave

Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

25. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

35. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget…he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch:”Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Hi There, Here’s another funny from my friend in San Diego…Enjoy…Dave

Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

B’Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let’s play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.

Jehovah’s Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Hi there, Here’s one from a friend in St. Louis…. And if you have time on your hands, here is a whole new way to spend them…..Enjoy….Dave

Ok, the story behind this is… There’s this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway… here’s a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man who sent the Institute one of his ‘major finds’.

Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211 D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9 mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities