Dave’s Joke Tree

Hello all,

It seems only fair to present the other half of the communication conundrum with regards to the sexes. So thanks to Jim Smith, here it is…Enjoy…Dave

TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MALE MEANS!!

A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men…

* Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life
span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We’re not jerks, just misunderstood.

* Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.

* Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

* Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.

* Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much
of the world nowadays.

* Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some
extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot,
we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I
try to figure out how I feel.

* Why can’t men cuddle more?

Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure
lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go
roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on
our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

* How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, lions,
etc.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.

* Why can’t men just say “I love you?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own
character faults.

* Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
quite well.

* What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I’m sorry; I wasn’t listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

* Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.

* Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you’ll pick it up.

* What’s with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let
you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.

* Why do men hate shopping?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours
to look at things we have no intention of killing? err… Buying?

* Why can’t men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it’s actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.

Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You’re the ones that
have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

* Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
and doing exciting things. They don’t walk around with the weight of
the world on their shoulders. They don’t ever give us a hard time for
being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the
ones they don’t get). What more could any male ask for?

* Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle for it.

* Why can’t men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?

We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
Why do men fear commitment?)

* Why do men fear commitment?

Don’t be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what ‘commitment’
means and can spell it correctly. It’s like an automobile. No matter
how good you think this year’s model is, they’re always coming out
with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply
cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse
around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon?
At least with a car, there’s a slight chance of it eventually
becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and
upgrade to the younger… err… I mean newer models every couple of
years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

* What does it mean when men say, “I’m just not ready for a
relationship right now” or “I don’t want a girl friend?”

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
that we want to see you repeatedly.

* What does it mean when men say, “Can we just be friends?”

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

* Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It’s been passed on from
our most primal forefathers, and it’ll be passed on to our sons.

* Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition,
and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate
motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice… Practice…Practice… (See
also: Do all men really masturbate?)

* Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men
are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
people are always going to be left out. I don’t see anyone screaming
about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

* Why do men like younger women?

Well, let’s see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they’re
easily impressed, they’re also perky, energetic, and come with very
little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

* Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We
may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of
lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get
hungry quite often.

* How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e.
whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that
you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you
lose a few attractiveness points. I’m a bit puzzled by this one
myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent
bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us
despite our inherent weakness.

* Why are men such dogs?

How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful… loyal…
affectionate… and obedient… You owe dogs an apology!

Hello all,

Here’s another funny from my friend Don in Friday Harbor. Learn how to add color to your communications with these beauts from Texas…Enjoy…Dave

Texas Speak:

Handy as a pocket on a shirt.

Broke as the Ten Commandments.

If his brains were gunpowder he couldn’t blow his nose.

She could talk the legs off a chair.

She said that he’s all cattle and no prod.

He’s all hat and no cattle.

If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

He’s so busy, you’d think he was twins.

He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.

It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.

She’s so ugly she has to sneek up on a glass of water to take a drink.

Confused as a goat on astro-turf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a fly.

Hi out there!

Just couldn’t resist this one! It’s hell to not be understood!..Enjoy..Dave

THE WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS…

“I’m hungry.” = “I’m hungry.”

“I’m sleepy.” = “I’m sleepy.”

“I’m tired.” = “I’m tired.”

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Can I call you sometime?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“May I have this dance?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”

“Nice dress!” = “Nice cleavage!”

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = “I want to fondle you.”

“What’s wrong?” = “What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”

“What’s wrong?” = “I guess sex tonight is out of the question.”

“I’m bored.” = “Do you want to have sex?”

“I love you.” = “Let’s have sex now.”

“I love you, too.” = “Okay, I said it … we’d better have sex now!”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “I liked it better before.”

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”

“Let’s talk.” = “I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.”

“Will you marry me?” = “I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.”

“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together.” = “I am gay.”

Hello again,

Lets brighten up Monday morning! Here’s a funny from Pauls Humor…. Enjoy…Dave
From Adriana G.:

The American Way

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a
mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The
consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American team. So, as race day neared again
the following year, the American team’s management structure was
completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for
the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave
the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Hi Out There,

This was sent to me by a friend in Little Rock….Enjoy…Dave
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR’S PENIS BUSY [should be “Pen Is”]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE’S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI’S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

Hello All,

Here’s another funny from Shirley in Los Angeles….Enjoy..Dave

BUMPER STICKERS………..

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB
* Mind like a steel trap - rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
* One-word sentences? Eliminate!
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* The passive voice is to be eliminated.
* Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
* Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
* Who needs rhetorical questions?

Hello again,

Here’s one from Marlene in California….Now I understand?..Enjoy Dave.

A woman was walking along the beach and found a bottle. She looked
around and didn’t see anyone so she opened it. A genie appeared and
thanked her for letting him out. The genie said, “I am so grateful to
get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But, I can only
grant one.”

The woman thought for a while and finally said, “I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because I cannot
fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all
that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to
be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the
piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go
to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No,
that is just too much to ask.”

The woman thought for a few minutes and then told the genie,
“There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand men. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically,
what makes them tick.”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want
two lanes or four?”

Hi there!
Here’s another one from Don Yankovic….Enjoy…Dave

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t
mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can
see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the
dining room skylight.”

Hi out there,

Here are some suggestions forwarded to me from Jim out on the wet
east coast. These will get your friends attention…..Enjoy…Dave.

Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant
effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

“Hi. Now you say something.”

“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

“Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’

“This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think
about returning your call.”

“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

Hi there,

Here is a funny sent to me by Jim Baun down in Californiay…Enjoy Dave..

BUMPER STICKERS

1. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

2. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

3. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

7. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

9. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

11. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

12. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

13. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

14. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

15. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

16. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

17. Learn from your parents’ mistake - use birth control.

18. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

19. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

20. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

21. Assassins do it from behind.

22. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

23. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

24. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

25. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

26. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

27. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

28. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

29. When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

30. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

31. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

32. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.